Get it right Mate! Here's how...

So that the difficulties of ordering a sandwhich in Australia don't befall you, I'd like to share the important tips the Handsome Australian gave to me during our 10 minute sandwhich tutorial. Because if you are like me, you don't like looking the part of the tourist---you want to fit in with the locals and act as if you've been doing this your whole life.

When you first approach the sandwhich counter, you need to be scanning the area behind for a bread selection. It is very rare that you'll find a list of the different breads available, but you can often see them in baskets or stacked up somewhere behind the counter. Check out the selection and see which type of bread you'd like. If you can't see the bread, just have in mind the type that you want your sandwhich on so that you can ask for it FIRST.

BREAD
Here are some examples of the various types of bread you might encounter:

• Sliced Bread of various varieties--white, wholemeal (that's Aussie for wheat), rye, sourdough, etc
• Bread Rolls--Exactly as the name indicates, these are rolls and will take different shapes depending on the particular place and again there will be different varieties--white, wholemeal, with sesame seeds or poppy seeds, etc
• Focaccia--pronounced foe-CAT-cha is a flat oven baked Italian bread, which may be topped with onions, herbs, or other foodstuffs
• Turkish Bread or Turkish Roll--is a Middle Eastern style flat bread

BUTTER OR MARGARINE?

Now that you've made your bread choice, the next thing you will be asked is if you'd like margarine (only they'll say marg-a-REEN) or butter (only they'll say butt-A) on your bread. Personally I never heard of such a thing before I came to Australia. So don't be thrown off by this. Just say, "No thanks" if that doesn't appeal to you and ask for the spread that you would like instead. For instance, now is the time to tell them you'd like mustard, mayonaise, pesto, avocado, cream cheese, etc. Again it is important to look at the ingredients on display because the different spreads will vary from cafe to cafe.

MEAT

Once you've chosen the spread, you should choose the meat you'd like on your sandwhich (if you are going to have meat that is). Have another look at the display case and see what's available--you'll usually find some ham, roast beef, chicken, tuna, pastrami, salami, smoked salmon, or even chicken schnitzel. Again the selection will vary from place to place.

CHEESE

Once you've chosen your meat then it's time to choose your cheese. Generally there aren't too many cheeses to choose from. You are almost guaranteed that Tasty Cheese (that's an Australian Cheddar) will be on offer and maybe one or two other types.

SALAD

Now it's time to choose salad toppinngs. To speed up the process of choosing individual salad items, the Australians have come up with a shorthand. So when the sandwhich maker asks you if you'd like salad on your sandwhich this is what they mean: Salad = lettuce, tomato, carrot, cucumber, beetroot (that's Australian for beets), and onion (again this can vary from place to place, but this is pretty much the standard). If you say yes to salad, you should specify if you don't want any of those particular ingredients. You might say, "Yes, I'd like salad, but without the onions please." Now if you forget to specify, the sandwhich makers will generally (but not always) confirm that you would like the more controversial of the ingredients ie the beetroot and onion as not everyone likes these. So speak up or you may end up with something you don't want.

You don't have to have salad on your sandwhich or you may prefer some of the more exotic ingredients on offer such as sun-dried tomatoes, grilled eggplant, etc. If this is the case, just let the sandwhich maker know which items you'd like.

SALT AND PEPPER?

While the sandwhich maker is putting the salad or other veggies on your sandwhich, they will also ask you if you'd like salt and pepper on your sandwhich. It'll be something like this, "Would you like salt and pepper (only they'll say pep-AH)? So just reply in the affirmative or negative depending on your personal preference.

HAVE HERE OR TAKE-AWAY?

Once your sandwhich is complete, the sandwhich maker will generally cut it in half for you and then ask,"Is this for here or take-away?" Which means, will you be eating the sandwhich here at the cafe or will you be having it to go. If you want it to take-away they'll wrap it up for you and if you are having it at the cafe they'll put it on a plate.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Generally the sandwhich maker will ask you if you'd like anything else--this is the time to order your drink, or biscuit (that's Australian for cookie) or anything else that you might like.

HOW MUCH?

Now, as I've said before, I've been here for 8 years, but I still don't understand the pricing system of sandwhiches. Each cafe seems to have a base price that is then added to depending on which ingredients you select. Some ingredients are more dear than others and I've even been charged a different amount for the same sandwhich in the same cafe on different days. So who knows.

SHORT CUTS

I know this whole process sounds quite involved, but once you get it down pat you can get through it all very quickly and maybe even skip a step or two. Here's how I typically order,

"Hi, can I get a wholemeal roll with avacado, salad and tasty cheese, please."

Immediately they know which bread to grab, they know I want avocado as a spread (although they may still ask the butter-margarine question), they know I want the typcial salad ingredients and will most likely confirm the beetroot and onion options, and they know which cheese I'd like. So this means less questions need to be asked and they can get to putting the sandwhich together straight away. Of course the quality of service will vary from place to place and some sandwhich makers have better memories than others. Most can handle having this much information up front while others struggle and still need you to go through the process step by step with them. It's a mixed bag.

Now that you've read this sandwhich ordering tutorial, you can confidently order your lunch at an Australian sandwhich bar and spend the time you've saved pondering the meaning of colourful Australian gems such as "Two Pot Screamer" instead. Enjoy!

Learn the Lingo

Wholemeal bread=wheat bread

Tasty cheese=Australian Cheddar

Salad (for sandwhiches)=lettuce, tomato, carrot, cucumber, onion,
beetroot

Beetroot=beets

Biscuit=cookie

Two Pot Screamer=A person who gets drunk easily. In this case, pot refers to a glass of beer.

Would you like marg-a-reen on that?

When I first arrived in Australia I thought to myself, "Now this is going to be a breeze because at least I speak the language here." While I spoke Spanish quite well when I lived in Buenos Aires, there were always things I didn't know or things I couldn't always understand. In Australia, I reasoned, I'd be able to get around and do whatever I liked with no problems since I already knew the language. I obviously had no idea because I've lived here for 8 years now and there are still times when I'm completely lost in a conversation. The Aussies certainly know how to turn a phrase.

My biggest communication issues in the days and months after I initially arrived in Oz (that's Australian for Australia) centered around ordering a sandwhich. I spent a lot of time exploring the CBD (Central Business District that's Aussie for Downtown) of Melbourne and each day I'd pop into one of the many cafes or sandwhich bars that populate the streets. Most of these places have all sorts of sandwhich ingredients all chopped up in trays behind a glass counter--think Subway style. They'd be busy and packed with a lunch time business crowd. Everyone is in a hurry to get his or her lunch and get back to work. There wouldn't be any obvious menu on the wall like you'd find at Subway, just a list of ingredients and some vague pricing. So I'd step up to the counter and the conversation would go like this:

Me: Hi, I'd like to get a ham sandwhich please.

Sandwhich Lady (hereafter SL): What type of bread would you like?

Me (with a furrowed brow searching for a list of bread somewhere and not finding it): Um, what kind of bread do you have?

SL: We've got bread rolls, foccacias, turkish bread, or white, wholemeal or rye sliced bread.

Me (thinking, OMG what did she just say? What's a foccacia? Ahh someone help!!): I'll have the white bread? (I say almost as a question because I'm not sure that's the right choice, but it's the only one I recognised in the list besides rye and I didn't like rye).

SL (goes and picks up the white bread grabs two slices and puts them down on the bench--that's Aussie for counter--and then says...) Would you like maragine on that? (Only marg-a-RIN as we'd say it in America comes out like marg-a-REEN)

Me (What did she say? What did she say? She looks a bit impatient. I'm holding up the line. What did she say?) I'm sorry, what did you say?

SL: Would you like marg-a-REEN on that?

Me (staring blankly, beginning to break a sweat, telling myself this is only lunch it's not rocket science. You can do this, you just have to break the code--why is is so loud in here?): I'm sorry what?

SL (picking up a tub of margarine and a knife and using hand gestures to indicate that she means spreading the margarine on the bread and repeats herself again slowly ennunciating the whole thing like she's talking to a non-English speaker which I must clearly be at this point) Would_you_like_marg-a-REEN_on_that?

Me (Oh marg-a-REEN means marg-a-RIN! But wait a minute, why would I want margarine on a ham sandwhich???): Um, no thank you. Do you have mayonaise?

SL (gets mayonaise and begins to spread it on the bread grabs some ham and puts that on the bread as well): Do you want salad on that?

Me (Salad? Salad? What salad? Just when I thought we were finally communicating): I'm sorry, salad?

SL: Tomato (only she says it to-mah-to), Lettuce anything else?

Me: Oh yes, I'll have tomato (only I say it to-may-to) and lettuce.

SL (looking past me at the long line that is waiting behind me): Anything else?

Me (too afraid to take up more of her time and ask too many questions): No that's fine thanks.

SL: Would you like salt and pepper (only she says pep-AH)

Me: Oh, yes salt and pepper (only I say pep-ER) is fine.

She finally cuts my sandwhich in half and tells me how much it will be. I fumble through my purse (that's Australian for wallet) and try to come up with the correct amount. All the while the line behind me gets longer and longer.

My friends, I wish I could say this was a one-off experience, but I think it took me an entire year of living in Australia before I actually got the sandwhich I wanted and I didn't get there on my own. The Handsome Australian had to sit down and give me a 10 minute tutorial on how to do it. Sad. Sad. Sad.

Learn the Lingo

Oz=Australia

CBD (Central Business District)=Downtown
bench=counter
purse=wallet