The oh so scientific method of choosing a footy team

After my embarrassing conversation with the Handsome Australian's brother about which team I had chosen to support in the new and mysterious world of Aussie Rules football, I felt it was time that I put my loyalties somewhere. After all, the Handsome Australian's brother was right when he said EVERYONE had a team--everyone did. Everywhere you went, it was almost always the second or third question you'd get asked when meeting someone new--Who do you barrack for? And the obsession with Aussie Rules (in Victoria anyway) didn't have a gender divide--both women and men, boys and girls were equally passionate about their footy.

So I set about the task of choosing a team to barrack for.

Now, there are several ways one can go about choosing a football team to support:

Firstly, you might ask your friends who they support and just jump on their bandwagon. At this particular point in my Australian tenure, I didn't know too many people beyond the Handsome Australian and his immediate family. When asked about the footy, they were adamant that I would be barracking for Geelong. End of story. To do otherwise would be to fly in the face of reason and would be seen as a personal affront to the Geelong loving dynasty the Handsome one's Uncle had started so many years ago when the family first immigrated to the lucky country and fell in love with the Blue and White hoops of Geelong.

So decision made right? I know nothing about the game. I should just go along with the Handsome Australian and his family and their love for Geelong surely.

But alas, I'm not one of those girls who just says yes. I'm my own person and I was determined to decide for myself and not be told who I would barrack for (because I really cared oh so much about this life changing decision...sure.)

So I decided I should weigh up other options...

Another possible method for choosing a footy team could be based on the win/loss record at the time of choosing. You obviously want to choose a winning side and what is a better determinant of that than a winning record? Go here to see how the ladder (that's Australian for standings) ended up in 1999 (the year in which I was making this choice). You'll notice if you follow the link, that Geelong finished number 11 out of 16. Do they sound like winners to you? No, I didn't think so either. So that cast even more doubt on Geelong being the right choice. I'm not a loser, I'm a winner!

The ladder was a good way to become acquainted with the different teams--the ones near the top that is. But you can't just choose on record alone.


There are many other important factors that must be considered, like the guernsey (that's Australian for jersey) colours and design for instance. Yes, I think that is an extremely important factor indeed.

It wouldn't be right if I didn't take note of the fashions on the field right? So I had a look at the teams in the top half of the ladder and began to take a critical look at their guernseys. Here were some of my choices (I won't bore you with them all, but if you are keen you can follow the link and have a look at all of them here).

This is the Essendon Bombers guernsey. They finished at the top of the ladder, but didn't go on to win the Premiership (that's the Aussie Rules equivalent of the Super Bowl). The red slash seemed a bit severe.

This is the North Melbourne Kangaroos guernsey. They finished number two on the regular season ladder and made it through the Finals to the Premiership Game and staged a convincing win. So they obviously played well, but I just couldn't cope with the vertical stripes.

This is the guernsey for the Carlton Blues. They finished number 6 on the ladder during the regular season, but valiantly fought their way through the finals for a berth in the Premiership Game. They lost to the North Melbourne Kangaroos by 35 points, but have a look at the guernsey--crisp, classic. I loved the CFC on the front (for Carlton Football Club, of course). Simple and stunning at the same time. Yes, I liked the look of this Carlton team.


It would be rather shallow of me to put so much weight on the look of the guernsey. I thought, I must have a look at the player list as well because you'd want a team with good players (or good looking ones anyway). So I started learning about a few of the players and studying them carefully--this was research, after all. I needed to choose a team.


Here's what I found...they call him SOS (pronounced sauce) and he was amazing! His real name is Stephen Silvagni. A very talented player with an impressive footy pedigree. His father, Sergio or "Serge" Silvagni also played for Carlton. Hence Stephen's nickname SOS stands for Son of Serge. Of course these were unnecessary details. I didn't need any more convincing. I was SOLD!!


So Carlton it was. They had it all, good results during the season, a great looking guernsey and a star player that knocks your socks off!

Now to break the news to the Handsome Australian...

Learn the Lingo
ladder=standings
guernsey=jersey
Finals=playoffs
Preliminary Final=inital round of playoffs
Grand Final=Super Bowl
Premiership Game=Grand Final=Super Bowl
SOS=Son of Serge aka Stephen Silvagni

Get it right Mate! Here's how...

So that the difficulties of ordering a sandwhich in Australia don't befall you, I'd like to share the important tips the Handsome Australian gave to me during our 10 minute sandwhich tutorial. Because if you are like me, you don't like looking the part of the tourist---you want to fit in with the locals and act as if you've been doing this your whole life.

When you first approach the sandwhich counter, you need to be scanning the area behind for a bread selection. It is very rare that you'll find a list of the different breads available, but you can often see them in baskets or stacked up somewhere behind the counter. Check out the selection and see which type of bread you'd like. If you can't see the bread, just have in mind the type that you want your sandwhich on so that you can ask for it FIRST.

BREAD
Here are some examples of the various types of bread you might encounter:

• Sliced Bread of various varieties--white, wholemeal (that's Aussie for wheat), rye, sourdough, etc
• Bread Rolls--Exactly as the name indicates, these are rolls and will take different shapes depending on the particular place and again there will be different varieties--white, wholemeal, with sesame seeds or poppy seeds, etc
• Focaccia--pronounced foe-CAT-cha is a flat oven baked Italian bread, which may be topped with onions, herbs, or other foodstuffs
• Turkish Bread or Turkish Roll--is a Middle Eastern style flat bread

BUTTER OR MARGARINE?

Now that you've made your bread choice, the next thing you will be asked is if you'd like margarine (only they'll say marg-a-REEN) or butter (only they'll say butt-A) on your bread. Personally I never heard of such a thing before I came to Australia. So don't be thrown off by this. Just say, "No thanks" if that doesn't appeal to you and ask for the spread that you would like instead. For instance, now is the time to tell them you'd like mustard, mayonaise, pesto, avocado, cream cheese, etc. Again it is important to look at the ingredients on display because the different spreads will vary from cafe to cafe.

MEAT

Once you've chosen the spread, you should choose the meat you'd like on your sandwhich (if you are going to have meat that is). Have another look at the display case and see what's available--you'll usually find some ham, roast beef, chicken, tuna, pastrami, salami, smoked salmon, or even chicken schnitzel. Again the selection will vary from place to place.

CHEESE

Once you've chosen your meat then it's time to choose your cheese. Generally there aren't too many cheeses to choose from. You are almost guaranteed that Tasty Cheese (that's an Australian Cheddar) will be on offer and maybe one or two other types.

SALAD

Now it's time to choose salad toppinngs. To speed up the process of choosing individual salad items, the Australians have come up with a shorthand. So when the sandwhich maker asks you if you'd like salad on your sandwhich this is what they mean: Salad = lettuce, tomato, carrot, cucumber, beetroot (that's Australian for beets), and onion (again this can vary from place to place, but this is pretty much the standard). If you say yes to salad, you should specify if you don't want any of those particular ingredients. You might say, "Yes, I'd like salad, but without the onions please." Now if you forget to specify, the sandwhich makers will generally (but not always) confirm that you would like the more controversial of the ingredients ie the beetroot and onion as not everyone likes these. So speak up or you may end up with something you don't want.

You don't have to have salad on your sandwhich or you may prefer some of the more exotic ingredients on offer such as sun-dried tomatoes, grilled eggplant, etc. If this is the case, just let the sandwhich maker know which items you'd like.

SALT AND PEPPER?

While the sandwhich maker is putting the salad or other veggies on your sandwhich, they will also ask you if you'd like salt and pepper on your sandwhich. It'll be something like this, "Would you like salt and pepper (only they'll say pep-AH)? So just reply in the affirmative or negative depending on your personal preference.

HAVE HERE OR TAKE-AWAY?

Once your sandwhich is complete, the sandwhich maker will generally cut it in half for you and then ask,"Is this for here or take-away?" Which means, will you be eating the sandwhich here at the cafe or will you be having it to go. If you want it to take-away they'll wrap it up for you and if you are having it at the cafe they'll put it on a plate.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Generally the sandwhich maker will ask you if you'd like anything else--this is the time to order your drink, or biscuit (that's Australian for cookie) or anything else that you might like.

HOW MUCH?

Now, as I've said before, I've been here for 8 years, but I still don't understand the pricing system of sandwhiches. Each cafe seems to have a base price that is then added to depending on which ingredients you select. Some ingredients are more dear than others and I've even been charged a different amount for the same sandwhich in the same cafe on different days. So who knows.

SHORT CUTS

I know this whole process sounds quite involved, but once you get it down pat you can get through it all very quickly and maybe even skip a step or two. Here's how I typically order,

"Hi, can I get a wholemeal roll with avacado, salad and tasty cheese, please."

Immediately they know which bread to grab, they know I want avocado as a spread (although they may still ask the butter-margarine question), they know I want the typcial salad ingredients and will most likely confirm the beetroot and onion options, and they know which cheese I'd like. So this means less questions need to be asked and they can get to putting the sandwhich together straight away. Of course the quality of service will vary from place to place and some sandwhich makers have better memories than others. Most can handle having this much information up front while others struggle and still need you to go through the process step by step with them. It's a mixed bag.

Now that you've read this sandwhich ordering tutorial, you can confidently order your lunch at an Australian sandwhich bar and spend the time you've saved pondering the meaning of colourful Australian gems such as "Two Pot Screamer" instead. Enjoy!

Learn the Lingo

Wholemeal bread=wheat bread

Tasty cheese=Australian Cheddar

Salad (for sandwhiches)=lettuce, tomato, carrot, cucumber, onion,
beetroot

Beetroot=beets

Biscuit=cookie

Two Pot Screamer=A person who gets drunk easily. In this case, pot refers to a glass of beer.